For some guys just starting their BDSM journey, exploring their submissive side can seem challenging at first. As a society, we collectively ascribe what notions of traditional masculinity should look like; power, dominance, decision-making, etc. We create social expectations for men that posit them as the ones who can and should take control (particularly in the context of sex, romance and dating), and view anything less than that as unnatural or out-of-character. So, when some men acknowledge that they could derive pleasure from inverting that ‘natural state’, it may give rise to feelings of internal conflict.
It may come as a surprise, but many men have admitted to having a bit of a submissive streak in the bedroom. Male submission is particularly interesting because of the ways it subverts traditionalism, but this is in fact its intrinsic allure. For men, relinquishing power allows them to engage with a fantasy that may be incommensurable with everyday life. Perhaps they have high expectations to be decision-makers at work or at home, and are all too accustomed to the responsibility that comes with leading (or being expected to lead, at least). Submission in the bedroom, in a way, momentarily frees them from the shackles of responsibility and leadership, and allows them a rare opportunity to ‘let go’ and pass the reins off to someone else.
For some men, the allure of submission may lie in feelings of inherent ‘wrongness’, i.e. that submission is as hot and sexy as it is because it’s scandalous (hey- we don’t judge whatever motivates your subby side). Scholars of BDSM understand that the root of some kinks or fetishes comes from how ‘dirty’ or ‘naughty’ we generally perceive them (like a man who gets aroused by crossdressing, for example). While, in reality, there’s nothing wrong with a man being in a submissive position (or crossdressing, for that matter), sometimes the element of fantasy is what really gets us off.
Here’s a few things you could consider exploring as a new, hopeful male sub:
‘Role reversal’ is pretty self explanatory; it’s a form of intimate exchange where the woman will assume the more ‘maculine’ or dominant role. She may direct the actions during sex and tell you exactly how she wants you. Pegging is the act of using a strap-on dildo to penetrate a male partner– the prostate is a tremendously sensitive erogenous zone, and can create a whole new realm of pleasurable sensations. Pegging and role reversal can go hand-in-hand, as the male partner would, in this case, be the one getting penetrated.
Bondage is a great way to keep you bound, gagged or under lock and key while your partner directs a hot BDSM scene. Try experimenting with the sensation of being tied up– it can be fun to struggle while your partner titillates and teases you! We recommend our 8 Piece Bondage Kit for beginners looking to incorporate a little taste of everything bondage-related!
Some male subs’ motivation lies in their deep reverence for women; show your partner how much you honor them by worshiping her feet, giving her a massage, or just generally prioritizing her pleasure, alone. Worshiping your partner can exaggerate the power dynamic between the two of you, as well– make her a goddess for a night, while you assume the role as her loving servant.
Similar to worship, service submission is a form of submission where the object of the sub’s desire is solely the pleasure their dom feels. Perhaps your desire to submit stems from a need to feel useful, or ‘of service’ to your partner, and what really gets you off is pleasing the one you care about. This can look like running errands for your partner, cooking them a nice meal, or doing whatever you can to ease their stress and make their day better.
The beauty of BDSM is that it’s a world that encourages individualism, exploration and self-acceptance. Because there are innumerable ways to express your kinks, interests and preferences, playtime always requires thoughtful discussion, negotiation and boundary-setting. Whatever motivates your submissive side as a guy, it’s vital to understand that it’s utterly and completely natural (and frankly, hot). Exploring submission can open new portals of desire, trust and self-actualization, and can bring a wonderful opportunity to deepen your bonds with a partner. Whether it’s light or extreme submission you seek in the bedroom (or out of it), it’s important to be honest about how you’d like to feel during sex and intimate encounters; what makes a man is not his ability to take control in every situation, but his ability to master his thoughts, feelings and desires. Take the plunge, submissive hopeful, and find out what you might’ve been missing!